“It has never been about the attention.”
“Hasn’t it, though?”
“I prefer to attract the least amount of attention as possible.”
“My good man, we both know that’s not quite the case.”
And it was unclear who had spoken first, or who had sipped his wine after the smallest of smirks, because they had trapped each other and themselves in this charade, and Johannes had been warned by his brother about therapists, and he had been warned by his mother about men like this one, men who hide who they really are and are as dangerous as they don’t appear to be, and he blatantly ignored them all, taking another bite of the enticing appetizer in front of him.
Hannibal Lecter poured them both another glass of blood-red wine. They might’ve toasted something, but not something cliche, like their health or happiness, but to a darker creature, one they were both a bit afraid to acknowledge.
Scenes like that with Autumn today in class remind me that
holy crap i love acting
other people surprised me and i surprised myself even though i never thought i’d give up control enough to let that happen and i feel like i have fireflies in my veins and because of them i threw tortillas around the house and fell on the ground and acted so so terribly silly and happy because honestly i can laugh and joke and scream and flail all i want but this is something i’m going to do and now it feels more sacred than impossible.
ditto to you always, darling. we must must must work together again.
AND WE GET TO PERFORM THAT SCENE FOR THE FINAL, WHAT UP
it is wednesday. it is wednesday which means it is almost thursday. it is wednesday and my lighting teacher is bringing us donuts. it is wednesday and i get to perform a scene that scares me but maybe is also a little bit exciting too. it is wednesday and there are two good friends sleeping at my house.
it is wednesday and the only way i’m going to make it through this week is if i think of the little things.
i have hiccups.
i have hiccups and it is two in the morning.
i have hiccups and it is two in the morning and tech starts tomorrow.
but mainly i’m ready to stop being so scared of everything.
i have a wonderful mother.
i have a supportive father.
i have hilarious siblings.
i have the closest friends.
i have food in the fridge,
and sheets on my bed,
and a roof over my head,
and a new laptop charger.
i have a future ahead of me.
and on good days,
(days like today)
i wish everyone was as lucky as me.
(but i wish my fingers weren’t grasping, wanting more, and i am so content, but hardly ever satisfied, and is that something you grow out of, because i was done growing by 8th grade, taller and wider than everyone, and i really do have everything i think i could ever want, but my body thinks otherwise, tossing and turning at night, keeping my teeth clenched and my mind active, and i just have questions that i feel like can’t be answered.)